Remember what your job is: ELECTING and PROTECTING LIBERAL DEMOCRATS!

I know, I know, many of you at MSM, Inc. used to be called "reporters" because, well, that was what you were supposed to do: report the news. And it was a great cover - by manipulating what stories got on the front page (hint: think "Abu Ghraib" - we were able to milk that one for 44 straight days), and which ones did not get reported at all, you could covertly advance the cause of liberalism.

But times have changed. You no longer have to pretend that you are "objective" reporters - you are now JOURNALISTS. True, most of you are frustrated would-be novelists without enough talent to actually write a best seller, but be of good cheer! Your position here at MainStreamMedia, Inc. will allow you to have an even greater role in "reshaping" America into the "progressive" (read "socialist") utopia that we all know is best for the country.

So, let's cover the basics.

When Democrats are in charge, NOTHING is their fault.

Whether Republicans are in charge or not, EVERYTHING is their fault.

Coverage:

ANY remark by a Republican, (whether a state or Congressional legislator) that could even remotely be construed as "insensitive" or "off color" is FRONT PAGE news. Note: even if it is a completely and obviously innocent remark, talk about it as if it is "serious" and be sure to include the always dependable "will this spell trouble for the GOP?" question (which of course guarantees that it will be).

Conversely, remarks made by Democrats, no matter how vulgar, hostile, or even criminal in nature, are NEVER news, let alone front page news. Treat any negative reaction to Democrat gaffes as minor, or, better yet, asking "is this just another example of Republican attack politics?" This has the effect of turning the offending Democrat into the victim! Now, sometimes it's darn near impossible to avoid reporting the actions of a Democrat miscreant (after all, there are so many of them), but we have that covered, too. If you absolutely must report on one, remember to:

A) Keep the coverage at a minimum, and preferably on page 28 of the "Lifestyle" section. (TV anchors, just make sure you reduce the coverage to a 2 second sound-byte just before breaking for a commercial)

2) Under NO circumstances do you EVER refer to a Democrat crook as, well, a DEMOCRAT. Example, it should be "Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich" who is being impeached, NOT "Democrat Governor....." Now, in order to maintain "plausible deniability, it is usually a good idea to have one tiny reference to party affiliation way, way down in the article (better yet, at the end of the article on page 28 - see rule A above). Obviously, if a Republican governor should find themselves in trouble, each and every mention would be "REPUBLICAN governor ...." (preferably on page 1, of course, and as often as possible).

Interviews:

When interviewing Democrats, smile, pat their hands when they sit down, ask cutesy questions about their families - you know the drill. This will give the subliminal message that Democrats are "nice" and "trustworthy." If they do happen to be involved in some sort of scandal that you must bring up, do everything possible to paint them as the "victim" in the affair (pun intended). Ask them silly soft-ball questions, and always nod approvingly as they answer, indicating to the viewers that YOU don't believe the accusations either.

When interviewing Republicans (especially conservatives) always take a visibly skeptical approach. Lean back in your chair, look over the top of your glasses so you look like an inquisitor. Ask them totally off the wall questions that have nothing to do with the original reason for the interview, then, no matter how they answer, act as if you don't believe them - rubbing your chin or tilting the head works well. Try to catch them in a mistake, then shake your head to emphasize the point. Use the "some say" method of  attacking them - this way you can bring up the most vile propaganda from Left-wing bloggers, without taking responsibility for it.

When describing Democrat policies or positions on ANY issue, always use positive, declarative language and statements that imply what is being said or proposed by Democrats is a FACT:  "Democrats WARN that..." or "Democrats POINT OUT..." or "A Democrat plan to HELP THE POOR..."

When describing Republican or conservative policies, do the opposite. Always insert subliminally negative words, such as "Republicans CLAIM that...." or "A Republican plan that 'some say' will DESTROY Social Security..."  Hey, you get the picture.

Just remember, reporting the news is no longer your mission - building a better society is. And that means doing everything in your power to persuade Americans that Liberal Socialism is the answer and that Democrats, especially liberal Democrats, are always right, and that Republicans and conservatives are not just wrong, but downright evil.

Now, get going! Make Karl Marx proud!